I cried after my jiu-jitsu class the other night. It was so hard, and I felt defeated. I thought I was getting better. With each class recently, I am starting to see how much I still have to learn. It’s been almost five months since I started training in jiu-jitsu. Looking at it from a rational point of view (not mine at the moment), that’s hardly any time at all in this sport.
Jiu-jitsu seems to be drawing out my true colors. Whether that’s a good thing remains to be seen. I tend to be a perfectionist. I like to control things. I don’t like to fail. I like to know what’s coming next (just ask my husband, as I always tell him when he’s driving which lane to be in for a turn coming up five miles down the road). I’ve always known this about myself, but jiu-jitsu has put a spotlight on these traits and is forcing me to re-think how I handle situations that I cannot control.
Like most people, I like to succeed. I like to win. I don’t like to admit defeat. As you may imagine, I am getting lots of practice in jiu-jitsu, accepting defeat AND redefining what it means to win. My coach told me to focus on small wins. When he told me that, I told him there were no wins in that class that brought me to tears. His next question for me: did I finish the class? Yes. That is a win, he said. (And he’s right. I didn’t give up.)
This journey is also revealing how quickly I forgot the lesson of failing forward that I wrote about here.
Now that I am a few months in, despite my tears, I wish I had started sooner. I have so much to learn, and I’m not getting any younger. There are women training in my gym that are ½ or a ⅓ my age. They are beautiful and strong and fierce…and an inspiration to me. I’m grateful to have found a gym environment full of people (men and women) who want to help me learn. They are starting to feel like family and I look forward to training with them, even as they try to choke or armbar me. Call me crazy but I look forward to every class. What is it about jiu-jitsu that makes it so addictive? (If you know the answer, please let me know.)
Jiu-jitsu IS hard, maybe the hardest thing I’ve ever tried. But the sense of accomplishment after learning a new move, and sometimes even being able to implement a technique successfully when rolling, there’s nothing quite like that feeling. I may still cry after class…there’s a mug at the front desk labeled ‘white belt tears,’ so I must not be alone in this struggle.
Now that I’ve shared how hard jiu-jitsu is, who wants to come join me in class?
CINDY DIEHL 